Sometimes, the happy hurts the most.
I find the happiest times the hardest, those are when I miss Emily the most. The happiest times in my life I should be sharing with her. Being 17 and realising that isn’t reality anymore, realising everything happy you ever do again will be made that bit more sad because the one person you shared everything with for the first 17 years of your life is no longer there.
I’m now 19, and the last 2 years should have been the best 2 years of my life, but the happiness just makes me miss her more. She wasn’t there the day I passed my driving test,
the day I got cast as Frenchy in Grease,
my 18th birthday,
When I got my unconditional for uni,
Moving to Birmingham,
The day I got selected to be Director in my first TV module,
the day my first live tv show broadcast.
I guess I’m just used to that now, happy times are bitter sweet and It’ll never be possible to be innocently happy again.
All those happy things I just listed, are times I cried, cried because they are happy things in my life but my sister isn’t here to tell, cry because my sister isn’t here to celebrate with me. No matter who Is there to be celebrate with, she isn’t. The happy things in my life become sad, will always. I’m only 19, I have my whole life ahead of me but I know, no matter how good something is or happy I am, I won’t ‘JUST BE HAPPY” …. Ever again. That’s just my reality. My friends know, they’ve seen it, I get annoyed at myself because I am upset, how selfish of me. Amazing things have happened and will happen in my future and yet I get upset. I should be overjoyed, I am overjoyed but it’s just not right, she isn’t here.
It’s strange thinking that all my blog success has come because of Emily's death. I wish I could share this with her but it would never be happening unless she died. I know Emily would be saying something along the lines of ‘she’s glad that this positivity has come out of her death and that I’m helping people who need it’, because she was stupidly selfless and never thought of herself.
The idea of doing the most important things in life without her terrifies me. Getting married should be the happiest day of your life. Yes I’m only 19, why am I thinking about getting married? but then again every girl has been planning their wedding since they were like 13 (whether they admit it or not). We would watch ‘Say yes to the dress’ together whilst eating a plate full of pancakes we’d made after mum specifically said “don’t cook while I’m out” and pick our favourite wedding dress and the style we wanted.
We all do it, naturally talk about our future be it with our siblings, parents, friends or partners. You think about what you’ll do for you next birthday, think about planing your next holiday, what you’ll do next Christmas. I did that with Emily. She was like my twin and my best friend, we talked about everything together. You take things like birthdays for granted, “when I turn….” you never think “I might not make it to my birthday” Em didn’t, and yet she never made it to 19. No 18 year old thinks “what if I don’t make it to 19?”but it’s something losing a sister does to you. I do think that now, we all just take getting older for granted.
Right now I still look younger than Em. Yes she died at 18 and I’m now 19 but we still look similar ages. I still feel like the little sister. I worry for the time I look older than her. I’m going to keep growing older and she’s frozen in time as an 18 year old. She’s my older sister she should always look older than me.
Thats not something ‘normal’ people ever worry about, getting older than your older sibling.
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