Hey, It’s me again.
So, I took a hell of a long break from blogging. Originally writing helped me! After losing Emily I found it difficult to vent about it without getting upset, and nothing makes me more angry than something that makes me cry. But moving to uni, writing helped me vent when I didnt have people around me I could talk about it to. However, I got to a point where blogging made me feel worse, constantly thinking of new things to blog about meant I went into darker and deeper parts of grief I didn’t feel I needed to make myself do!
But it’s been a while and well, a lotttt has happened and my experiences with grief are ever changing. Its been two years since I started blogging, so nearly four years into my relationship with grief.
I like to use this as a way of keeping me close to my sister. And recently, I feel I’m drifting from her. Mainly because my life is moving so fast, and I’m sailing further away from Emily. Uni was a big part of that. When I was in school, I was still in an environment she was in too. Now my life is full or people, places, things I do that she’s never been apart of and there isn’t much left now apart from my family that is the same as when she was alive. I think that’s why I’m so attached to my house, despite it being so difficult to be there.
i graduate in the next few months, and start my life a a PROPER adult ewwwww, but I lost Emily even before I’d written my personal statement. So much of my life has changed.
At the moment, I know it won’t last forever but I push grief away, I hide it, crack on, don’t have time for it. The more I do that the more I realise how bad for me it is.
Pushing people who love me away, so much pent up frustration that I take out of people for no reason because deep down I’m pushing away how I feel, and how grief makes me feel. Another problem with that is it also means I’m pushing Emily away, not thinking about it or her and that’s not what I want, as much as she’s gone I have to try and bring her with me in my future. unfortunately, I can’t have a relationship with my sister without grief, I cant just be normal. But right now I’m struggling to find the balance so I shut it all away.
right now I cant find a balance if I’m thinking about Emily I’m crippled by pain and sadness even the simplest things become so difficult but if I forget, move on, smile, don’t let myself think of Emily and grief, thats not right either. The guilt of carrying on is just as painful.
I so desperately miss my sister just being my sister. Why is it so unfair, why do others get theirs and I cant have mine. I miss being naive and when it wasn't so hard to think about, when a conversation with friends about siblings was just that! Now its sad, the most normal things are always sad, and it never gets easier, it just gets harder to remember the details the cute little important things. The things that make your siblings them; the arguments, laughter, silly things that summed up your personality together gets lost. The longer time goes on the more you have to cling on to the normal things but they become hard to think about because its so desperately sad.
Acceptance is not a thing!! Moving on doesn’t exist!! Its been nearly four years, FOUR F**CKING YEARS and it still hurts so so bad!