“Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for”

Recently, even this long after losing Emily, loneliness plays a massive part in my relationship with grief.

When people mis treat me, It’s when I truly see how naive and ignorant people are to my life and what I go through. They really think because you’re seen smiling and laughing that you aren’t falling a part inside. Getting up and carrying on every day despite every single morning wishing you didn’t wake up so I could be be with Emily. There isn’t one single day I don’t wish I could switch places with her. the disappointment that you have to do another day and that you did wake up, wishing, hoping that when you fell asleep the night before that would be the end.

Yup that’s my reality and it’s shit. I’m 19 years old and yet I feel like this and yet I’m lucky enough to have 19 years already, Emily only got 18. I feel guilt that losing her makes me feel like this, I often wonder how she would have dealt with it if i died and she was here.... better, much better I imagine. You never expect losing your sister would impact every single part of your life but it does, the grief does, the immense heavy dread and weight of life, sad really. I envy so many, the innocent ones, the happy ones, the people who find it so so easy to think of themselves, completely oblivious to how their actions can and will impact on me, but it does, it impacts how I feel, imagine that on top of grief, other peoples hurt towards you adds to Grief in some strange way. I used to so care free, didn’t care how people treated me, it didn’t really affect me, but now it does. Even the slightest thing affects me In the biggest way, more than if it happened to them, well lucky them, they are lucky they don’t feel like this, they get to ‘just live’. I want to just be 19. Others don’t realise, because it isn’t them, people are selfish! If they aren’t affected, they really don’t care about how it would affect you. Trust me over the last 2 years I’ve really realised that!!

Over the last week or so, I’ve realised how important and how much I want to find someone like me, similar age, similar Experience. I need that, speaking to others too its essential, ‘normal people’ just do not understand. I really don’t have anyone who cares enough anymore, anyone who when you tell them stuff really listens, some of my closest friends are amazing, I’m lucky that some of them even knew Emily, but their isn’t that understanding, my friends are my escape, my distraction and I love them for that. So many people in my life are so unaware of how difficult getting out of bed is, something that simple, grief consumes you, it makes you do and say and act in crazy ways.

Throughout exam season year 12, 13 and even now I find myself in the most lonely of places. Being alone since Emily died is something I’ve always found incredibly difficult, whenever I’m in my room I have to have music or tv on in the background, I can’t be in complete silent, even going to sleep, I have to have the tv playing In the background to be able to get to sleep. Studying and working on A levels and my degree, I find it hard to focus, when I’m working I find my mind trails off, I cannot ever stay focused on my own even being able to complete coursework I have struggled with, and yet if I try to study with other people equally I’m unproductive and distracted. That’s the worst parts of grief, it never just affects things to do with Emily or death, it alters EVERYTHING in your life, people don’t realise that. They don’t think it’ll affect how you work, or sleep or even being able to sit in a room on your own in silence.

Keep Smiling,

Hol x