2 years ago today the world changed, my world changed. I lost my sister, my best friend.
Today I look at my phone and see this date. It seems weird, not real even. I think about this day every single day, every single hour and so it being 12th March seems surreal, the date my sister died.
You may believe in 'soul mates', the person you find, you are meant to be with and grow old with. When Emily died I realised your siblings are your soul mates. Emily along with my little brother and sister, the people I unconditionally and who I am meant to grow old with. I was meant to grow old with Emily!
Being so close in age we naturally looked forward to things we would share growing up; getting into university, travelling the world, getting the dream job, meeting boyfriends, getting married, having children, having grandchildren - Growing old together. Those are unreachable dreams to me now, things that most of you assume, expect and know are going to happen, the normal things in life.
‘That’ day two years ago is the most significant day in my entire life. A day I will never forever and for the worst reason. The rest of my life has been and will be shaped but that day, this date, The 12th of March. The death of a loved one especially her being so young, and me being so young means I live stuck in the past.
It’s been 2 years, 730 days and yet really thinking about her being gone baffles me. I don’t understand how I got here. How it happened, or how I even carry on and yet you do, you have to.
I remember the details of that day like it was yesterday. I saw Emily at 7am In Cardiff university hospital. Not my Emily though. I don’t know how to say it but ‘she wasn’t there’, she was like a different person. I told her “I love you” but she couldn’t reply, she was awake and moving around, I know she heard though. I sat, and watched her last sunrise with her and my mum.
My parents came to my grandparents about 1.30pm, without Emily. Without Emily ever again. I was numb. You then expect to wake up from that nightmare, or the world to stop but it doesn’t. You keep going. You have no choice, the world keeps spinning.
We went home, to be together, but with a piece of the family puzzle missing, a puzzle piece I’ll never be able to find. As I walked through the door I picked up the post, Emily’s post. Even today we still get post addressed to Emily. (That’s something you never think about when someone dies. Well I didn’t. Even 2 years later we still get post for her. That’s what makes things harder in life. it’s the little things, the constant reminders on top of the constant reminders, as if we need any). A package from Leicester university with a letter of acceptance on the doorstep. That’s when it hit me. You then start thinking about life, her life, and your life without her, your whole life without your best friend and the unimaginable pain of losing them. ‘Unimaginable pain’, I couldn’t imagine it instead, I was living it. She won’t go to uni, she won’t do anything again. All my memories, conversations and times with Emily are in the past.
We sat at home silent, in shock….. then, you keep going. Realising we needed to tell people, but as soon as we did it became real. I didn’t want to tell anyone, EVER. So it never became real. And yet I remember feeling bad for the people we told, imagine being told that. Weird thing grief, you feel worse for the people you have to tell, the neighbours, the friends, the random people who’d probably forget and be able to get on with their lives again. But for me, her sister, it never goes away, you never move on, and yet I felt bad for them…
So many people didn’t know, didn’t expect it and didn’t ever think it would happen, including me.
We messaged our closest friends and family. The most surreal message I’e ever sent, and I’m sure the same receiving it. To one of my friend’s I said ‘she’s gone’ thats it, thats all I knew what to say, all I could type before hysterically crying into my hands. I’ve never cried like that before, never since, and I know I never will again. I now know what it is like to feel your heart actually break. There just is no feeling of realising you’ve lost your best friend forever. Your soul mate and the person you’re meant to grow old with. No one at 17 years old should experience that. No one should ever have to go through that.
but we told 95% of people how everyone tells everyone everything in this day and age, facebook of course.
In the evening I cried over an Indian takeaway reading messages from everyone, literally everyone, hundreds of people messaged me, messages of condolence and stories of our Emily. Even from people I never knew, some people who didn’t even know Emily, simply read the Remission Possible blog and were inspired by her. I must admit people say odd things “I know what you’re going though my nan died”. Nope ya really don’t. You don’t think you’ll ever be able to stop crying again, but you do, you do stop crying but you know for the rest of your life a good cry about missing your sister is only around the next corner. I thought the day Emily was diagnosed with cancer was the worst day of my life, how wrong was I.
Even now sat here writing this blog, if I really think about Emily, and her not being here ever again it shocks me, my heart drops, It hurts so incredibly. It doesn’t seem right or real. It isn’t fair that so many get their siblings and I don’t. I hear people so often talk about how they argue with their siblings, don’t speak to them or don’t get along. People don’t understand how much that hurts me!!! How painful that is having to listen to people take their siblings for granted and my sister was my best friend and she’s dead. Equally how difficult it is hearing people talk about memories with theirs, how well they get on, they get to simply sit at home and watch TV with their sibling. It isn’t fair. I’m jealous.
Yes 2 years have gone by. A WHOLE 2 YEARS. Oh my god. How????? So long, so much has happened and yet so much hasn’t happened because she died.
This day will forever be the worst. 12.03.16. The last day is saw you. Miss you Em.