The worst day...
I don’t cry much. I hate excuses, especially with this. Emily died on Saturday and I was back in school on the Monday.
Over time to many peoples surprise I talk about Emily very openly, you know she’s still my sister, I still have memories with her and ill always be a younger sister.
But on the 12th March is my day to grieve. Sat in bed. eating my body weight in snacks. Crying and remembering. A day off work and life really. It’s my only day in the year I take out for my grief. Maybe it’s not healthy to only have one day a year. But this day consumes me!! but i know to most people, and especially if they don’t know me so well. If I said I need a day off to grieve my sister… it’s seen as an excuse, especially 4 years on. Society says we have to carry on. People don’t get it, ‘you heal with time’ NOT YOU DON’T, I’m in the same pain as I was 1 week on I’m just used to it now. so yesterday I did nothing… Too many horrible memories. The date that changed my world. Thinking back to 5,6,7 all the years before, it was just a normal date like so many. But now its the most significant day in my life, my life evolves round the events that happened on the 12th March.
It says a lot really that if I said I needed a day off as I was sick, felt unwell, something physical it’s okay, normal in fact. But if I want a day off to grieve or look after my mental health, despite how responsible that is as we all need to look after our mental health. That isn’t acceptable…. It’s not valuable excuse. And I know for a fact in my experience of the world of work that i could never ring in mentally sick not physically.
Calling in sick for a hangover is better accepted than for mental illness.
Until I was 18, Anniversaries were typically seen as a good thing. But now I’m burdened with the anniversary of Emily’s death. March is now this dreaded month. I hope nothing happy in my life ever happens in march as I know it’ll become worse because of the looming 12th march… I don’t know if that’s normal with grief? or just a me thing.
But it’s now the 13th, thankfully the 12th has gone for another year but unfortunately I can’t say my sister’s been gone 3 years anymore. It’s now 4 …. Too long and getting closer to 5.