I lost my sister, but gained a ‘friend’… Grief
They say your grief heals with time. They lied. Who even is 'they'???
2 years after my crazy big sister left us for heaven I still miss her as much as the day she went... more even.
The seven stages of grief;
1. SHOCK & DENIAL
2. PAIN & GUILT
3. ANGER & BARGAINING
4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS
5. THE UPWARD TURN
6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH
7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE.
I can tell you all right now - I'm still in denial; I dont care how long it's been. I forget all the time. Yep. Seems difficult to be able to forget your sister's dead; but I find myself in little situations that remind me of Emily or what we used to laugh about or one of our inside jokes and I think to myself "haha gotta tell Em thaaaaa ...... ohhhhhh shittt" then I remember "ya can't tell her Hol".
It's a funny thing grief, surprises me everyday. To anyone who knows me well enough I would have told them; "Some days I can talk about her for hours on end, but others I can't even mention her name without crying". A part of denial perhaps?
I talk about her like she's still here, my way of keeping things the same as they used to be. Things she liked, things she did. Things she'd tell me or do. I talk about it like nothing happened to her. My friends know what I mean... I talk about her like she's alive, that's easy to do, it's talking about life without her, or her death that's the hard bit.
One of the hardest things to talk about for me, are normal conversations. To everyone else, talking about siblings, especially sisters seems normal. When your friend says 'oh my sister/ brother 'DOES' this, or 'DOES' that, but I have to say "my sister 'DID' this, or "DID" that". However; I've learnt over time to say it like a throw away comment, as if you're the same as them - you cant ask people to not talk about their siblings, its a part of life.
Grief doesn't just affect things to do with Emily or her death, but every part of your life; decisions you make, things you do or say and how you act.
1. Guilt, not just guilt to do with Emily dying, but guilt over the smallest things.
2. Overthinking!!! urrggg does my head in.
3. Anxiety?? I'm the most outspoken person and definitely have no filter. I spent my life in shows and performing. I won 'the biggest drama queen' award at my high school leavers assembly, I've always been overly confident especially for my height (5foot to be precise) Soooo, anxiety??? panicking??? completely new to me but all a part of this bitch that is grief, and it won't leave me alone, we're in it for the long hall.
Things I never had a problem with before but now are a part of daily life.
It took me a while to realise these are all just responses to grief. I just thought I was becoming someone I didn't recognise, but after worrying and mum telling me for long enough she made me realise it was kind of normal after all the 'stuff' I'd been through.
When you go out, do you ever feel like you've left something behind, but know you haven't?
Or something is missing but you cant figure out what it is?
Orrrr you cant think of the right word but it's on the tip of your tongue?
As best as I can describe it, that's what losing your sister is like in every day life.
You carry on as normal to everyone else, but everything you do it feels like you've left something behind, and that feeling when you cant figure out what you're missing lingers. It doesn't feel right just carrying on like normal, but what else can you do? Your world may have stopped, but everyone else's keeps going so you just gotta do the same.
Sometimes, I think back to March 2016 and wish I could go back, to those first days, weeks, months after her death. To you that may seem absolutely crazy, why on earth would I want to go back to that time. Well to be honest, people cared then, they don’t now, not like then anyway. Time has moved on, people have been without her in their lives too long to really care anymore. I upload photos, tweets and maybe even why I started this blog to keep her memory alive. I feel like I need to keep people remembering her for as long as I can...I don't want time to move on.
P.s please share this on your social media (shown below) to help me reach teenagers like me who are looking for someone to relate to.